Sunday, May 13, 2012

Damn, it feels good to be a Lobster.

It doesn't really, because they have to die for this dish to be good. A friend found a local fish market, and wing wang woom - we had 5 crawling lobsters in seaweed. Depending on the party, and on your lobster appetite, buy a 1.5-2 pound lobster per guest. I am going to stop explaining, because a real 'lobster'* never runs his mother fucking mouth, 'cuz real 'lobster's' don't start a fight.

*Changed the word 'Gangster' into 'Lobster' because it goes better with the recipe.
4 2 lb lobsters
8 quart pot
4 quarts water
1/4 cup salt
2 lemons, cut into 8 wedges.

Butter sauce:
1 cup butter
1 tbsp freshly chopped garlic
2 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon juice
1 tsp ground black pepper
2 tsp dried basil or herbes de provence (both are GREAT)

Bring the pot of water to boil. Carefully grab the lobster on the thorax (right in the armpit) and dip it, head first into the pot, making sure to have the tail uncurled and pointing upwards.  My friends and I were ruthless and rude, and still have the live lobsters in the same 2 foot vicinity as their boiling friends. Maybe don't do that, because we felt a little guilty afterwards. But maybe do do it because it's badass.

Each pound of lobster takes about 3-5 minutes to cook. Make sure you are watching the pot (with the lid on)- some of the lobsters cook quicker. When the lobster turns a bright red, it is ready to be decapitated and dipped in butter. After dismantling your food, squeeze two lemon wedges on the lobster meat.

To make the butter sauce, saute butter and garlic in a saucepan for 5 minutes, or until melted. Add lemon juice through black pepper, take off of heat. And that is how you feel good being a gangster. Please note how gangster we are all being in the above photo. Can't get more badass than pretending a lobster claw is a cigarette.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


Marinated Chicken with Roasted Leeks
Freak – a – leek
Let’s take song calls from the request line – Caller number one...

1 cup quinoa
1.5 cup water
1 tablespoon sesame oil
¼ teaspoon paprika
1 tablespoon butter

Leek (with an appearance by several other vegetables)
2 stalks of leeks, thinly sliced
1 cup cauliflower
1 cup yellow squash – sliced and quartered
1 cup red onion – thinly sliced
3 fresh tomatoes – chopped
1 tablespoon chopped garlic (if you don’t love garlic, half it)
2 ½ tablespoons evoo (or enough to toss and lightly coat the vegetables)
1/4 teaspoon Tony’s Cajun Seasoning
2 tablespoons fresh basil
1/2 teaspoon, divided pepper
-Booty shorts
-A group of girls that have similar names that are easy to rhyme with. 
-A relatively skanky lifestyle

¼ cup balsamic vinaigrette dressing
3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
EVOO (enough to coat a sautee pan)
1 large garlic clove, finely chopped
¼ cup fat free chicken broth
pinch of granulated sugar
1 tablespoon butter

Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees. Take a 9 x 13 in baking dish and coat with non stick butter spray. Chop leek stalks into ¼ inch slices, and add to baking dish. Take the remainder of the chopped vegetables, and add to the coated baking dish. Drizzle the vegetables, evenly, with 2 tablespoons olive oil (toss to coat if necessary). Cook for 45 minutes, or until tender.

Take defrosted chicken breasts and place in a ziploc bag with 1/4 cup balsamic vinaigrette  - chill for 30 minutes. During the chilling process, add water to a pan, and bring to a boil. Add quinoa through butter, and cook for 15 minutes. Do all sorts of illegal things during the marination, roasting and boiling process. 

Heat a sautee pan with 1 tablespoon EVOO on medium heat, adding chopped garlic once the oil starts to pop. Add chicken breasts through butter to the sautee pan. Cook chicken for 5 minutes on each side. If need be, add more chicken broth to keep the pan from burning. 

Take 1/2 cup of roasted vegetables and place chicken breasts on top. Ba da boom boom boom.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

You and (P)I(e)

Apple Pie with Brie Surprise!

2 ½ cups all purpose flour
1 ¼ tsp salt, divided
½ cup plus 1 tbsp chilled butter
10 tbsp ice water
4-6 ounces brie

8 Cups HoneyCrisp Apples (sliced and peeled)
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
½ cup packed brown sugar
¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon granulated sugar
3 tablespoons all purpose flour
1 1/8 tsp ground cinnamon
Cooking Spray
1 egg white, beaten

Optional: Porcelain bath-tub and mermaid outfit
-Transgender costume
-Ass-less leather chaps

Preheat oven to 425 degrees
Spoon 2 ½ cups flour into dry measuring cups, make sure to level with a knife, or with some sleek, sharp dance moves. Combine 2 ½ cups flour with1 teaspoon salt in a large bowl. Do a step, ball change, then shimmy. Cut in ½ cup butter with a pastry blender, or just cut with butter knife into small chunks. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon of water at a time; in between tablespoon sprinkles, make sure to run around in circles in extraordinarily high heels and a leather corset.  Toss mixture with a fork until moist and crumbly – do not touch with your hands, as you need these for jazz fingers and other hands central dance moves. Also, it melts the butter in the crust.

Divide the dough in half.  Press each half into a 4 inch circle into two sheets of overlapping cling wrap. Cover with an additional two sheets, and chill for 30 minutes.

Roll 1 dough half, still covered into a 12 inch circle. If you have to, to keep the crust less crumbly, wet your hands with cold water and press in a storage zip lock bag. Make sure your hands, when kneading the dough, are as cold as possible! The heat is only allowed on the dance floor. Combine brown sugar, ¼ cup granulated sugar,  3 tablespoons flour, 1 teaspoon cinnamon and remaining ¼ teaspoon salt in a small bowl. Sprinkle sugar mixture over apple mixture, toss well to mix. To more effectively toss well and to stay with the rhythm of the beat, put a top to the apple mixture and shake it until you break it. (your back, not the bowl; you are going to need the bowl)

Remove top 2 sheets of cling wrap from 4inch dough circle (please roll into 11 inch dough circle for better rolling. Roll pieces of dough to make cross toppings (as pictured)- about 5 thin sticks of dough lengthwise, and 5 sticks of dough wide..

Combine remaining 1 tablespoon granulated sugar and remaining 1/8 teaspoon cinnamon in a small bowl for pie topping. Set feet shoulder width apart and gyrate toward the unmade pie. Swoop right arm from left knee and up above right shoulder. Repeat on the left side.

Brush top and edges of dough with egg white; sprinkle with sugar mixture. Place pie on a baking sheet. Bake at 425 degrees for 25 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees  (do not remove pie from oven). While pie is in the oven, dance on top of a grand piano in the middle of a cornfield. If you don’t have those resources, then just writhe on the floor of a hay covered barn. Not possible? Then just resort to hula hooping or my personal favorite, the chest pump. Great go- to. Bake an additional 30 minutes or until golden, remove from oven and let sit for at least 15 minutes, unless you are planning on using heat fanning as a dance move.

Friday, November 18, 2011

(R)Ice (R)Ice Baby

Rice rice Baby

So, yes, it is a stretch. But would a food blog be a real food blog if there wasn’t a Vanilla Ice reference? Also, it seemed appropriate because I am an up and coming white rapper and my eyebrows are pierced, so I felt a bond there. Do you feel it? You do.  Also, I really wanted to be able to spread the ability to *wax a chump like a’s a really great resume builder and, I feel, it’s a great conversation starter. 
*lyric reference

Serving size: 4-5 (depending on time of day and portliness of guests)
1 cup brown rice
2 ¾ cup water
1/3 cup fat free sodium free chicken broth
1 tablespoon butter
½ teaspoon salt
1/3 cup fat free half and half

1 tablespoon e.v.o.o
½ medium chopped red onion (about 1 cup)
2 garlic cloves (finely chopped)
4 chicken sausages (I used tomato basil chicken sausages)

3 cups diced / cubed cooked pumpkin
2 tablespoons fresh sage
½ teaspoon Cajun seasoning (I used Tony Chacheres)
1/3 cup crumbled goats cheese
1/3 cup shredded parmesan
½ teaspoon nutmeg
1 cup arugula
(1/3 cup fat free, sodium free chicken broth, optional)

Baggy Clothing
Speakers that boom
Limousine with bitches and most likely, illegal drugs to get to A1A Beach Avenue

Bring 2 ¾ cup water to a boil, add brown rice, butter and salt.. Let the rice simmer for 20 minutes, then add the half and half while doing the running man. (Difficult, if you spill, it just means you are doing it right) During the 30 minutes, do all sorts of fun and young things such as copying a classic Queen song and it making it your own, or if you are feeling down, just check out my hook while the DJ revolves it.

Mix pumpkin through arugula in a medium bowl. Set aside. Will it ever stop, yo? I don’t know.

Meanwhile, add e.v.o.o to a sautee pan, do a kick, ball change on both sides twice, then add garlic, and onion. Stir occasionally, for about 3-4 minutes, or until the red onion has a faded purple color, or is slightly see thru. Add to rice mixture in a 4 quart saucepan. Stir thoroughly to mix. Add pumpkin mixture. If the mixture seems a bit dry, add 1/3 cup chicken broth, or whatever seems necessary to moisten the rice rice, baby. Let simmer for 10 minutes on low, or no heat with a top. Ba da bing. If you’ve got a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.

Pur-soup of Happiness

Pur-soup of Happiness
By: Kid Cudi
“If I fall if I die, know I lived it to the fullest, if I fall, if I die, know I lived it missin’ bullets.”
I live my life missing so many bullets, especially when cooking this pumpkin soup. Super great song to use an immersion blender to. I am sure that is what Kid Cudi was thinking when he wrote this song. He was thinking of pureed pumpkin, as every up and coming rapper / hip hop artist is.

2 medium onions, finely chopped (2 cups)
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 large garlic cloves, minced
1 ½ tablespoons minced peeled, fresh ginger
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon green curry paste
1 ½ teaspoons salt
¾ teaspoon dried hot red pepper flakes
3 ½ cups of fresh, pureed pumpkin (2 cans packed pumpkin)
1 ½ cups reduced sodium chicken broth
1 can unsweetended coconut milk (14 oz)

Cook onions in butter in a 6 quart saucepan over moderate heat, stirring occasionally or until the onions are soft and translucent (about 3 – 5 minutes). Do a couple body rolls. Clap your hands twice, chest pump (slowly or quickly depending on the mood). Add garlic and ginger and cook, stirring, 1 minute. Add cumin and coriander and cook, stirring, 1 minute. Stir in salt, red pepper flakes, pumpkin, broth, coconut milk, green curry paste and simmer, uncovered, for 30 minutes. Add a shake or two of pepper to spice it up a bit more, or, to serve and look extra pretty and super impressive, add a dollop of Greek yogurt and toasted pumpkin seeds to the top.

I toasted my pumpkin seeds with 1-tablespoon e.v.o.o and Herbs de Provence. BAM.