2 ½ cups all purpose flour
1 ¼ tsp salt, divided
½ cup plus 1 tbsp chilled butter
10 tbsp ice water
4-6 ounces brie
8 Cups HoneyCrisp Apples (sliced and peeled)
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
½ cup packed brown sugar
¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon granulated sugar
3 tablespoons all purpose flour
1 1/8 tsp ground cinnamon
1 egg white, beaten
Optional: Porcelain bath-tub and mermaid outfit
-Ass-less leather chaps
Preheat oven to 425 degrees
Spoon 2 ½ cups flour into dry measuring cups, make sure to level with a knife, or with some sleek, sharp dance moves. Combine 2 ½ cups flour with1 teaspoon salt in a large bowl. Do a step, ball change, then shimmy. Cut in ½ cup butter with a pastry blender, or just cut with butter knife into small chunks. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon of water at a time; in between tablespoon sprinkles, make sure to run around in circles in extraordinarily high heels and a leather corset. Toss mixture with a fork until moist and crumbly – do not touch with your hands, as you need these for jazz fingers and other hands central dance moves. Also, it melts the butter in the crust.
Divide the dough in half. Press each half into a 4 inch circle into two sheets of overlapping cling wrap. Cover with an additional two sheets, and chill for 30 minutes.
Roll 1 dough half, still covered into a 12 inch circle. If you have to, to keep the crust less crumbly, wet your hands with cold water and press in a storage zip lock bag. Make sure your hands, when kneading the dough, are as cold as possible! The heat is only allowed on the dance floor. Combine brown sugar, ¼ cup granulated sugar, 3 tablespoons flour, 1 teaspoon cinnamon and remaining ¼ teaspoon salt in a small bowl. Sprinkle sugar mixture over apple mixture, toss well to mix. To more effectively toss well and to stay with the rhythm of the beat, put a top to the apple mixture and shake it until you break it. (your back, not the bowl; you are going to need the bowl)
Remove top 2 sheets of cling wrap from 4inch dough circle (please roll into 11 inch dough circle for better rolling. Roll pieces of dough to make cross toppings (as pictured)- about 5 thin sticks of dough lengthwise, and 5 sticks of dough wide..
Combine remaining 1 tablespoon granulated sugar and remaining 1/8 teaspoon cinnamon in a small bowl for pie topping. Set feet shoulder width apart and gyrate toward the unmade pie. Swoop right arm from left knee and up above right shoulder. Repeat on the left side.
Brush top and edges of dough with egg white; sprinkle with sugar mixture. Place pie on a baking sheet. Bake at 425 degrees for 25 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees (do not remove pie from oven). While pie is in the oven, dance on top of a grand piano in the middle of a cornfield. If you don’t have those resources, then just writhe on the floor of a hay covered barn. Not possible? Then just resort to hula hooping or my personal favorite, the chest pump. Great go- to. Bake an additional 30 minutes or until golden, remove from oven and let sit for at least 15 minutes, unless you are planning on using heat fanning as a dance move.